Monday, July 23, 2012

Let's Use Selena Gomez's 20th Birthday To Predict Her Career Arc - Crushable

Yesterday Selena Gomez turned 20. Today we use that as a reason to write an in-depth report on where we see her career going in the next 80-120 years. After all, everyone wants to know: is she the next Miley Cyrus or is she the next Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep, of course, being a euphenism for Demi Lovato.

If you’re asking yourself, “what’s a Selena Gomez and why is she a Demi Lovato?” then I have to apologize. And also guess you were born before 1990 and have access to an impressive pog collection and/or the original Nintendo. That’s great, and I think you’ll really enjoy learning more about the not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman Selena Gomez. She’s a Disney actress best known by older folk for dating Justin Bieber and best known by younger folk for her starring role on the hit show Wizards of Waverly Place. That’s a scripted comedy and not a TLC reality show. So be comforted that this will not be another Crushable expose about black magic on primetime TV.

Right now Selena Gomez is a hot young actress in Hollywood. She’s making the classic Disney-star-to-movie-star transition that all Disney stars make. Except she’s doing it scandal free. In a world of Miley Cyrus’, she’s a Hilary Duff. And I’m sorry to say that won’t bode well for her. Until she marries an athelte, produces an adorable baby and lives vicariously through him on Twitter. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

She already has three movies lined up to come out in 2013: Spring Breakers, Getaway and After Shock. That’s impressive, especially considering I have none. But, the catch is that none of them are likely to be huge hits. Her biggest co-star among the three movies is Ethan Hawke. And it’s not 1998, sooo that might not go as far in the box office as it would have back then.  Okay, I take that back. James Franco stars in Spring Breakers. But that movie will be a teen girl fanfest film and it’s doubtful that many adults will show up to see it.

Which means that after an entire year of extremely hard work, her name will still be unrecognizable to people who can legally rent cars. So her management team will regroup and try to figure out how to turn her into a respected actress. An Emma Stone, if you will. They’ll immediately decide that Justin Bieber has to go. Having their names linked together automatically keeps her tied down to the tween world.

She’ll break up with him and talk about it tearfully to People. She’ll say that they grew apart. And then she’ll accidentally let it slip that one time she struck up conversation with him at a crowded party â€" only to realize hours later that it was just a lesbian who happened to look like him. She’ll make eye contact with the reporter and say, “please don’t print that!” while slyly slipping her a piece of paper that says, “definitely print that!”

Her team will set her up with another up-and-coming star who’s pegged to make it big. They’ll get photographed making out in exotic locations and she’ll make sure to pose with her hand on her stomach often enough to make tabloids ask, “is Selena Gomez pregnant?” And then, just after she goes on Ellen and alludes to an upcoming engagement, her boyfriend will come out on the cover of Time.

And since he’s such an up-and-comer, it will be a big deal. He’ll not only come out, but he’ll do an interview with Ann Curry (oh yeah, she has a huge career resurgence) where he’ll talk about the pressures of staying in the closet in Hollywood and how his team convinced him to faux-date Selena and how everything they did together was staged. Even the secret-but-somehow-highly-photographed trip to the wedding chapel in Mexico.

Selena will write heartfelt tweets explaining that nothing was staged. Except the plan to break her heart. No one will believe her. Miley Cyrus will adopt another dog, steal her headlines and for 5-7 years Selena Gomez will disappear from our radars.

Then, out of the blue she’ll get cast in a TBS sitcom about a woman who has it all, but doesn’t have it all. (Yeah, bad news ladies, this will still be a conundrum in the future. Sorry.) Critics will pan the show, but mention that Selena Gomez shines among a cast of dullards and lackluster actors. She’ll use the publicity to debut a fashion line that donates 10% of all its proceeds to a charity for disadvantaged children. She’ll show up on late shows and charm them with her wit.

“Who knew Selena Gomez was funny?!” my future children will write on this site. And she’ll get cast in an indie film with Ashley Tisdale and India Rose Hemsworth. From there her romantic-comedy film career will soar. She’ll be dubbed as Hollywood’s biggest comeback and she’ll be listed on vh1′s countdown of  Top 2 Disney Stars Who Didn’t Do Drugs.  Everyone will call her The Wizard of Predictable Romantic Comedies That Women Just Can’t Help But Pay To Go See.

She’ll go on talk shows and tell inspiring stories about never giving up. And she’ll joke about her faux-mance with her old gay boyfriend. And the studio audience will laugh. Oh they’ll laugh so hard because she’s funny and so full of nostalgic memories from their youth. Also she’ll start doing commercials for Activia.

And then one day, when she’s taking a break from filming movies to help her daughter run lines for a new Disney show that’s looking for its next child star, her doorbell will ring. She’ll open it and see Justin Bieber standing there.

“Justin?” she’ll say, as she takes in his appearance. His still-hairless face and his still-prepubescent body. “How, h-h-ow do you still look like that?”

He’ll smile at her, but say nothing.

They’ll stand there in silence.

And then, he’ll pull a steaming hot pot of fondue out from behind his back and say with his eyes and only his eyes, “I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow. Swag swag swag, on you. Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue. I dunno about me but I know about you.”

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