Yesterday Selena Gomez turned 20. Today we use that as a reason to write an in-depth report on where we see her career going in the next 80-120 years. After all, everyone wants to know: is she the next Miley Cyrus or is she the next Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep, of course, being a euphenism for Demi Lovato.
If youâre asking yourself, âwhatâs a Selena Gomez and why is she a Demi Lovato?â then I have to apologize. And also guess you were born before 1990 and have access to an impressive pog collection and/or the originalÂ Nintendo. Thatâs great, and I think youâll really enjoy learning more about the not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman Selena Gomez. Sheâs a Disney actress best known by older folk for dating Justin Bieber and best known by younger folk for her starring role on the hit show Wizards of Waverly Place. Thatâs a scripted comedy and not a TLCÂ reality show. So be comforted that this will not be another Crushable expose about black magic on primetime TV.
Right now Selena Gomez is a hot young actress in Hollywood. Sheâs making the classic Disney-star-to-movie-star transition that all Disney stars make. Except sheâs doing it scandal free. In a world of Miley Cyrusâ, sheâs a Hilary Duff. And Iâm sorry to say that wonât bode well for her. Until she marries an athelte, produces an adorable baby and lives vicariously through him on Twitter. But, Iâm getting ahead of myself.
She already has three movies lined up to come out in 2013: Spring Breakers, Getaway and After Shock.Â Thatâs impressive,Â especiallyÂ considering I have none. But, the catch is that none of them are likely to be huge hits. Her biggest co-star among the three movies is Ethan Hawke. And itâs not 1998, sooo that might not go as far in the box office as it would have back then. Â Okay, I take that back. James Franco stars in Spring Breakers. But that movie will be a teen girl fanfest film and itâs doubtful that many adults will show up to see it.
Which means that after an entire year of extremely hard work, her name will still be unrecognizable toÂ peopleÂ who can legally rent cars. So her management team will regroup and try to figure out how to turn her into a respected actress. An Emma Stone, if you will. TheyâllÂ immediatelyÂ decide that Justin Bieber has to go. Having their names linked together automatically keeps her tied down to the tween world.
Sheâll break up with him and talk about it tearfully to People. Sheâll say that they grew apart. And then sheâll accidentally let it slip that one time she struck up conversation with him at a crowded party â" only to realize hours later that it was just a lesbian who happened to look like him. Sheâll make eye contact with the reporter and say, âplease donât print that!â while slyly slipping her a piece of paper that says, âdefinitelyÂ print that!â
Her team will set her up with another up-and-coming star whoâs pegged to make it big. Theyâll get photographed making out in exotic locations and sheâll make sure to pose with her hand on her stomach often enough to make tabloids ask, âis Selena Gomez pregnant?â And then, just after she goes on EllenÂ and alludes to anÂ upcomingÂ engagement, her boyfriend will come out on the cover of Time.
And since heâs such an up-and-comer, it will be a big deal. Heâll not only come out, but heâll do an interview with Ann Curry (oh yeah, she has a huge careerÂ resurgence) where heâll talk aboutÂ theÂ pressures of staying in the closet in Hollywood and how his team convinced him to faux-date Selena and how everything they did together was staged. Even the secret-but-somehow-highly-photographed trip to the wedding chapel in Mexico.
Selena will write heartfelt tweets explaining that nothing was staged. Except the plan to break her heart. No one will believe her. Miley Cyrus will adopt another dog, steal her headlines and for 5-7 years Selena Gomez will disappear from our radars.
Then, out of the blue sheâll get cast in a TBS sitcom about a woman who has it all, but doesnât have it all. (Yeah, bad news ladies, this will still be a conundrum in the future. Sorry.) Critics will pan the show, but mention that Selena Gomez shines among a cast of dullards and lackluster actors. Sheâll use the publicity to debut a fashion line that donates 10% of all its proceeds to a charity for disadvantaged children. Sheâll show up on late shows and charm them with her wit.
âWho knew Selena Gomez was funny?!â my future children will write on this site. And sheâll get cast in an indie film with Ashley Tisdale and India Rose Hemsworth. From there her romantic-comedy film career will soar. Sheâll be dubbed as Hollywoodâs biggest comeback and sheâll be listed on vh1â²s countdown of Â Top 2 Disney Stars Who Didnât Do Drugs. Â Everyone will call herÂ The Wizard of PredictableÂ RomanticÂ Comedies That Women Just Canât Help But Pay To Go See.
Sheâll go on talk shows and tellÂ inspiringÂ storiesÂ aboutÂ never giving up. And sheâll joke about her faux-mance with her old gay boyfriend. And the studio audience willÂ laugh. Oh theyâll laugh so hard because sheâs funny and so full of nostalgic memories from their youth. Also sheâll start doing commercials for Activia.
And then one day, when sheâs taking a break from filming movies to help her daughter run lines for a new Disney show thatâs looking for its next child star, her doorbell will ring. Sheâll open it and see Justin Bieber standing there.
âJustin?â sheâll say, as she takes in his appearance. His still-hairless face and his still-prepubescentÂ body. âHow, h-h-ow do you still look like that?â
Heâll smile at her, but say nothing.
Theyâll stand there in silence.
And then, heâll pull a steaming hot pot of fondue out from behind his back and say with his eyes and only his eyes, âI got money in my hands that Iâd really like to blow.Â Swag swag swag, on you.Â Chillin by the fire why we eatinâ fondue.Â I dunno about me but I know about you.â