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Friday, August 24, 2012

Kristen Stewart's Break-Up 'Advice' for Selena Gomez - The Stir

selena gomezTrapped in a torturous relationship with one of the biggest pop stars/heartthrobs in the world: What's a girl to do? Poor Selena Gomez reportedly wants out of the Bieber bubble o' love. That is, according to the National Enquirer. But for once this is a story I Belieb.

Selena is barely 20 years old and she's been dating Justin Bieber (on and off?) for the past year and a half -- which is more than enough time for anyone to be in a probably totally made-up not-at-all-real teenage romance.

Oh -- but Selena is worried about a backlash. What if she's publicly burned at the stake like Kristen Stewart was? If only she could get some breakup advice from KStew, I think it would sound something like this.

1. Don't get photographed kissing someone else. This is not a good exit strategy. Fans hate cheaters! Well, the female ones, anyway.

2. If you do get photographed kissing someone else, make sure you're not wearing your boyfriend's hat. Because what kind of message does that send? "Screw you, asshat," that's what kind of message.

3. Find a more picturesque location for your cheating because an overpass just lacks ambiance. In the golden age of Hollywood stars were caught cheating on their luvuhs in places like St. Tropez, surrounded by the dazzling sea and a spray of bougainvillea. Bring some glamor back to infidelity, Selena!

4. But I forgot about #1, don't get photographed kissing someone else. Right. We're doing things differently this time.

5. Okay, but no one is going to believe you if you "just" break up with Bieber. You kind of DO have to be caught cheating; otherwise, everyone will assume it's just another rumor.

6. No, I've got it, make him be the cheater!

7. Beiber's publicist says no. Bummer.

8. No, I've got it! Fake a breakdown. Check into a spa/rehab center, and first your publicist says you're there for exhaustion. Then you let rumors of drug abuse swirl because that makes you sound way more interesting (shed the Disney glow). Then the publicist announces, "Oh okay you guys, she's HEARTBROKEN over her breakup with Justin Bieber." Write a Taylor Swiftian song about it later. "I'm Never, Ever Going to Belieb In You Again."

9. Justin Bieber is all "huh?" Did you forget to coordinate with his publicist? Review Teen Romance Contract Feb 2011 in case early breakup incurs a fee.

10. Date ... um ... who is your age, really hot right now, not super-skeevy, and NOT gay? Thinking. Yeah, I'll have to get back to you on #10.

How do you think Selena Gomez should break up with Justin Bieber?

Image via NoRegretsGoForIt/Flickr

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